Its been more than a year since I posted anything.........This last year has been a roller-coaster of emotions.There were times when i was into the deepest end of depression...and times of extreme
exhilaration,happines...Let me start at the beginning, or like my friend Sallu likes to say, "Shuru se shuru karte hain".Here goes....

I suffered a miscarriage last year (Mar 07). Since it was the first major setback in my otherwise perfectly marvelous wedded life, i was taken aback. I wondered why it happened...tried to do an action replay on all that i did or didnt do...fretted over how i could have averted the crisis....fumed at my own shortcoming.My Best Friend (my husband) supported me through this trying time and
told me that maybe God wanted to give me twins (my childhood wish).I took time to come out of the trauma, immeresed myself in work and household activities.
In September 2007, my periods got delayed by 2 weeks. I was sure that i was pregnant, coz my periods are like clockwork.bang on time.Just when i was about to buy those home pregnancy kits, i had the worst period of my life.For a person for whom periods were a breeze, this was the first indication that something was wrong. I didnt tell anyone...not even my BF, because he worries over me and not over the fact that we were not able to concieve.I took my time in my own grief...trying my best to come out of it. In the month of October(it was Ramzan), i prayed and prayed for Allah's blessings...I desperately needed a baby....I've needed a baby as far as i can remember. There's a small slice of history here...a family joke, where as usual, family members try to find out what their children want to become on growing up. The others wanted to become doctors, engineers,etc (i didnt even know what those words meant then). When my turn came, i replied confidently "Mummy".There...that one single word defined what i wanted in life. Even after my wedding BF used to joke that I used him to fulfill my lifelong dream of having kids...and i told him that if i've ever wanted kids, i'd rather they be a part of him than anyone else.

I got pregnant near Oct end. I didnt tell anyone other than BF.I was awfully careful in the month of Nov.took all possible precautions, visited the doctor, took medications.Mid Dec, i started spotting.Doc told me not to panic and just to take rest.I still needed to get a sonography done to confirm the status.Unfortunately, BF could not accompany me to the lab and i went alone.The doctor performed the sonography and declared that i had a case of 'blighted ovum', or just an empty sac growing without a baby in it. I was shattered....but i didnt break down yet...i went home, told BF about it. The poor guy had no idea how to console me, but he tried all his best anyway.We needed to inform my MIL coz atleast someone from the family had to be taken into confidence if i was going to have another D&C .MIL was shocked, but very supportive. If she was saddened or heart broken, she didnt show it. I'm glad i have her as my MIL...she's quite my strength.
I gave up all hopes of ever conceiving again. I told BF so. I even started looking for adoption options....far from my dream of having bonny twins, i wasnt even able to have a single normal baby. I was too traumatized to even bother trying again.BF thought it a good chance to make me think of other things besides babies.But oh, the irony of it...My SIL delivered a baby in Jan.My bhabi delivered a darling daughter a few days after that. One of BF's cousin sister delivered in Feb.I just couldnt stop asking God, 'why me'??? 'why am i the one who cant have children'!!it was too painful to even think about.Seeing my permanently sad countenance, BF asked me to give it one more chance before we seriously talk about adoption.

Mid March,a week before my periods were due, I swear to God, I felt myself getting pregnant.It may sound crazy, but its true. I told BF i was pregnant even before my
periods were due. He , of course didnt believe me.....but I knew.I just knew it. all those miscarriages had done one good thing...they had made me absolutely sensitive to the signals from my womb.Two weeks after my periods were due,i went for a sonography. I broke down while looking at the screen. The doctor said there were two babies in there.TWO BABIES!! TWINS!!!! I sobbed so much the doc didnt know whether i was happy or sad.I rushed to tell BF...he just had his benign smile in place..i guess this time, even he knew it.

The crucial 3 month period is over.Am into the fourth month now and glad to say that i'm still pregnant (Ameen).The tummy's growing big....much bigger than any normal person's, i guess
its because there are 2 of them in there.The worst of the sickness is mostly over.i feel sore and painful everywhere...but each stab of pain is welcome.I cherish each discomfort, each illness...they are all
indicators that my babies are doing well and there is nothing more that i want.I took a break from work...my only priority right now are my kids...and I hope to be atleast half as good as my mother or MIL or even MadMomma

This one's really cute!!
Got a mail from parents the other day (written by Dad, of course!!).Couldn't help rolling on the floor with laughter at paragraphs written by him (given below). Here goes :-

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"I have something to share with you all ! Read on....
The story is captioned, " Isla & The Choozas " ! Ever heard of it ? It goes something like this -

Qurrat stole away, actually had taken away three choozas, ie, chicks, from Mom in the garb of taking careof them sometime ago, when Mom was going to Cochin to attend awedding. As you all must be knowing, Qurru has an uncanny sense of love for the birds and had killed about a dozen of them when she was very very young - over feeding every one of them - of course,withtons of love for them !
Coming to the present, Qurru got a job with ICICI......whatever, and has to fly around a lot to all the funny places in the country. So, the choice of looking after the choozas in Q's absence falls squarely on the broad shoulders of Isla ! Now, this is something what Isla had not bargained for all his life !!"Looking after Qurru was bad enough and now, this....! What the heck... ?", fumed Isla. However, there is nothing much he could do about ! His dear Mom-In-Law is not too keen to take the chicksback either ! Now, Isla is stuck with taking care of the chicks - theirfeed, water, cooing to them, cleaning up their mess( in coarse terms,it is known as 'shit' ) et al.....! Short of singing a soliloquy, Isla, the poor victim of terrible circumstances, is doing everything, for the sake of survival....! So, that's it, folks. More on this in the next issue - if the chickssurvive till then !
See you on the 15th of the next month.
Take care !

With Tons Of Love,

Mom & Dad.
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For the uninitiated ,
Qurrat = short for Qurrat-Ul-Ayn (My sister)
Q = short for Qurrat
Isla = Q's long-suffering Hubby.

Tired of browsing the net!! Tired of chatting!! Tired of mailing !!!

Wonder how freshers are able to stay on-bench for months and years!!!
Its been two weeks now and am actually begging people to give me a project!!
But it makes me wonder.....why the delay??
I used to be assigned projects as soon as i landed in any Company...what makes the same recruiters now take time to assign me a project?
Is it because they think marriage has made me incompetent?! That a woman's mental prowess diminishes post marital bliss!! Or, a married woman does not give her 100% to a project....her loyalties and commitments lie elsewhere.
Although the commitments/priorities part is true, I dont think a working woman compromises on work because of her family.
Call me a fiminist if you like (which, btw, I AM!!) but the truth remains that women are more adept at handling both the home and office tasks efficiently. Its the sense of commitment that makes them work equally hard at home and workplace!!

Alas , alls well for argument's sake....but the fact remains that I'm still on-bench!!! Hopefully, I'll get to start working this week. Pray for me....

PS:- Got my salary for the last week of March (just 7 working days in office post joining)
The amount made me feel - albiet for a short period - the benfits of earning without doing anything!!! what a super Cooooool idea ;-)

I have grown up 5 years in a weekend's time. Its an experience which is gained by many people around the world...but that doesn't necessarily mean its easy to accept!!
There!! I've come out at last!! Out of the closet and dark broody corners. Out in the open to discuss what it really feels like to lose an unborn child!!
There's a saying that goes like this :- "God never gives us more than what we can handle".....quite true!! I was on a high peak of happiness..good job, good husband, excellent in-laws...everything in its place...and yet wanting more!! Along comes the news of pregnancy and the hopes and dreams of bringing up a baby!!! I should've guessed that things dont really move along as we expect it to!! There's a higher power at the controls!! My wave had to come down, and Boy!! did it crash or what?!!

After a week of crying and suffering heavy bouts of depression, am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel :)
Mebbe God is gonna give me what i really desired after all (a pair of twins!!)
Wowie...thats something to look forward to!!
The guy I married, well I was committed to him for 8 long years before we tied the knot!
And I realized what "Love" is after I got married, or rather....last week!!!
My pain would have been far greater if it wasn't for this gentle being at my side...with just the right amount of support, love and peace...it was his loss too, but he never gave me an indication of his pain. He was too busy looking after me.

So God, dont stop the pain if it brings the goodness and love to the fore.......but yeah, dont forget that you owe me a pair of twins ;-) !!!